A Message to Star Wars Fans

Attention Fanboys and Fangirls. Your big moment is here.

It has been announced that the Star Wars films are getting the Blu-ray treatment, and in the near future all six films will be landing in stores in all their clunky, muppety, CGI-vandalized glory. I know, I'm excited too. I've been waiting for this moment since the high definition revolution. So get ready. Get set. Get up at five in the morning, get dressed up as Boba Fett, get in line at Best Buy and GET SOMETHING ELSE.

Seriously, anything else. I bet Lord of the Rings looks super on Blu-ray, but maybe that's too blatant a betrayal of your childhood Star Wars nostalgia. If you're still in a sci-fi fantasy mood, and who are we kidding - you are, Dark City and Pan's Labyrinth are available on Blu-ray looking sharp as can be. Did you hear they recently restored the original cut of Metropolis, unseen for nearly a century? That's certainly a must-see. Hell, just check out whatever Criterion is up to. That Blu-ray two-pack of Yojimbo and Sanjuro has been calling out to me, and come on, Lucas was just ripping off Kurosawa anyway.

But let's be clear: At this point so much as one penny spent on anything bearing the name Star Wars is utterly inexcusable, and would mark the purchaser as one of the biggest suckers in cinematic history.

I am not going to recap the litany of George Lucas's crimes against the cinema here - they have been detailed elsewhere and exhaustively so. There is even a full length feature documentary making the rounds cataloging the myriad of charges Lucas's fans have leveled against him. Bashing George Lucas has grown to such a beloved pastime it could replace baseball. I've done it too. It's fun and so very, very easy. But to turn around at this point and pony up the dough all over again would amount to a whole new level of pathetic previously unknown to fanboys. Worse than Trekkies, Star Wars fans. Worse than Trekkies. Is that what you want?

It was just barely forgivable to go see Revenge of the Sith, but Lucas had the public over a barrel. The hope of a quality finish to justify our investment was too much to resist, and Lucas has spent the years since pretending our curiosity equaled enjoyment. Your dollars do not have nuance. They have only one message - unequivocal approval. And if you shell out for the Blu-ray - if you say you just need Empire Strikes Back, just need to see the cloud city in High-Def - George will do it over again. He'll plop himself down in front of the first TV camera he can find, smile his smug beardy smile and say "You see? I told you people loved me. They love the CGI bastardization, and the midichlorians, and the sterile computer worlds with the mannequin acting, and the Gungans, and Yoda as Sonic the Hedgehog, and the 'Yippee!' and the 'Nooooo!' and any of my goddamned awful writing you care to mention. They loved it - every minute. How could you argue they didn't? They keep paying for it."

I know that you and George has some good times together back in the day, Star Wars fans. But those days are long gone, and you need to wake up. You are in an abusive relationship and it's not going to stop until you cut off all ties - pack your suitcase, gather up the kids and move on with your life. If you don't, if all that bitching and moaning was just impotent nerd rage, you deserve everything you get.

Try to salvage some digni- Oh. Nevermind.